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Gelatinous Parcel
ring Hello? Hello, this is Quincy at Airborne Express. Uh-huh? I drive a moped for Airborne Express. I’ve been trying to bring a delivery up’ere since Friday and no one answers the bell when we come up there. Upstairs? Whaddya-I live downstairs. Fact, I heard crashing and banging and real loud noises when I was there. Yeah, what address are you, uh- Yeah, I’m on Spear Boulevard and, uh, it’s gonna hafta be tomorrow if we do come back at all. Who are you looking for? What’s your information? It says “Paul.” I mean, I can read my own writing. Oh, okay, well I’m just asking you. I didn’t know I was getting a delivery. It’s from Homolasses dot com. I didn’t order anything from Homolasses dot com. It’s come a long way and you’re lookin’ at a surcharge since we’ve had to come out there three times. I didn’t order anything. Well, it says here ya did, and I’ve worked here nearly six weeksss, so I think I can read the slip. Okay, but what’s the name on the slip? Paul Rathchild or somethin’ or other. I dunno…but what you need to concentrate on is ''quieting down ''the next time we come back out there, ya read me? Quieting down? What are you talkin’ about? I didn’t even know what was goin’ on, if there was a drum circle or what was goin’ on there. You had some chaos-''' What the fuck are you talkin’ about, man? There’s no fuckin’ drum circles here. '''Coulda fooled me! This is a quiet house, man, what address were you lookin’ at? Look, you’re lookin’ at a surcharge if you want us to come back out there. Period. This isn’t how Airborne Expressed works-''' Come back out where? Where were you going? Are you a fuckin’ idiot, man? '''Listen up, pal! Answer my question! You give me a hard time on the phone, nobody ever came to my house, I been here all fuckin’ day! I been out there twice! TO WHERE?! And you were makin’ so much doggone racket no one even heard me! You’re fuckin’ with me, man. I don’t know who the fuck this is, man, but you’re not even tell-If you were really a delivery guy, you’d be like, “I went to this address,” and you’d say the address! Okay. I’m ''on ''15th right now. NO! WHERE AM I?! I don’t know what the heck you’re talkin’ about, you ordered from Homolasses dot com. No, I didn’t! You’re not even giving me any inf-information, man. You’re just fuckin’ with me. I don’t know who you are or what kinda prank this is, but I’m hangin’ up now man. I’m Quincy with Airborne Express. This a fuckin’ joke? What do I need to do to get your attention? Quiet down. Come to the door. Tell me my name, my first-last name which you said already, but the address. I’m on Spear Boulevard. Cuz I didn’t order anything! No, I don’t wanna know where you’re at! My name’s Quincy, I work at Airborne Express, I drive a moped, and this stuff’s marked as gelatinous so that’s another surcharge you’re gonna hafta pay. Aw, you’re fulla shit, man, I didn’t order shit, man. You got too many-''' Don’t call this number again. '''You got too many strikes against ya. Ya just do. Yeah, good. You’re fulla shit. -- ring Hello? Hi, is Paul there? You know he is, man. This is-''' Is this Quincy? '''This is Frankie, I’m a supervisor at Airborne Express. No, you’re not. Now, what seems-''' You’re the same fuckin’ guy I was talking to two seconds ago. '''No, I’m a supervisor, sir. What’s seems to be the trouble tonight? You calling me over and over again, fuckin’ with me. That’s the problem. Sir, could you please be, uh, professional? No! Fuck no, I’m not bein’ professional, I don’t know who the fuck this is, man! I just talked to you two seconds ago. The heck you did-''' Quit fuckin’ with me, man! Knock it off! 'You got a gelatinous parcel here and there’s a surcharge involved, do you unders-' YOU’RE A GELATINOUS PARCEL! You are! '''And there’s a lotta commotion o-when our driver came up there. You’re fulla shit, man. I don’t know what the fuck kinda joke this is, but…maybe on a, uh, radio show or something. Mmm, no, we’re not on the air, we’re Airborne Express. Airborne Express is a joke-''' Airborne Express, my ass. Dude, just fuck off, alright? 'You owe us $88-' You understand that? You understand English? 'What are you tryin’ to say? Eighty-' I’m trying to say, “Fuck off!” '$88.27 is due ''plus the $25 surcharg-''' Bullshit! I-ahh-you’re fulla shit, man. I didn’t order anything. '''Sir, be respectful and be professional. Fuck no! No, fuck you, man. Category:Special delivery